Happy Birthday Baby Girl

Today is special for multiple reasons, but the biggest is that it’s the 23rd Anniversary of the first time I felt unconditional love.  It’s the day my first baby was born and for the first time in my life I felt what pure love felt like.  And it was amazing and wonderful and so scary!

Twenty three years later and now this beautiful creature is a sprite who exudes sunshine.  From the beginning she was my co pilot, my reason for living, my source of strength when my life and marriage was tough.  I would say today She still is.  

We’ve grown up together.  I still remember her sitting shot gun as infant in my single cab (no back seat) pick up truck smiling while I belted out “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!”  She came to my nanny job with me, out with friends, everywhere.  My Ex’s schedule and lifestyle led to a lot of time with just her and I and I never minded.  She was my other half.  There is this picture of the two of us at a HS Football game and we’re both in headbands, overalls and white T-shirts. I’m proudly holding her with a big grin on my face.  I was and always will be happy to be her momma. 

As the years went on I could see her determination, her gumption, her big heart.  Her forgiving heart.  For despite her dad and I and all our decisions, our imperfections, our misguided choices, she still welcomes me with open arms.  

Today on her birthday it’s important to me that she knows how proud I am, how grateful I am for her love and all of our memories.  My heart was sad this year when February came and there were no more mom’s weekends. One big blessing in my relationship with her were the four mom’s weekends with her sorority while she was in college.  I remember the first one that happened During her freshman year. I almost didn’t go because it’s kind of last minute and I was having trouble getting all my travel plans together. However to this day I am so happy that I was able to make it work. I remember sitting the first night at this table full of moms and daughters. Her and I have been through so much with my divorce and everything and living in different parts of the country. But here we were just like everybody else. I was just a mom visiting her daughter at school.  I’ll never forget that feeling. It was one of my favorite mom moments.  

We went on to have many amazing memories while she was in school and I was lucky to get her for most holidays and even a summer.  There were times when she would look at me and I would see the same Smile as when she was a baby Monday realized that no matter how old she was she’ll always be my little girl.

The teenage years a matter of pride and prejudice

 I’ve been away from my blog for quite some time.  In the fall of 2014 I decided to go back to school. In the spring of 2015 I completed one of my requirements to apply for respiratory therapy school. In May of 2015 I was accepted.  In June 2016 I graduated and I have been working as a respiratory therapist at Seattle Children’s Hospital since July of 2016.  This whole time was a struggle to juggle parenting along with school,  Clinicals and work.    I completed my bachelors in the winter of 2008 while having children and I thought that was hard. But I realize as I approach the eve of 20 years of being a mom, that parenting doesn’t get any easier, it’s just a different struggle. I think back to one point when my four older children were little, I had four children five and under. I had three in diapers at the same time. In order for my daughter to go to all day kindergarten I had to load four children twice a day into four car seats for an hour round-trip.   I still remember practicing counting to 100 with Savannah on the way to school because she wanted to be the first one to do so in her class.   Now she’s a sophomore studying business at Indiana University.    However as I spent my mom’s weekend with her back in February, I realize when I look at her she still six months old in my mind.   They are always your babies.

Now I have a seven year old and five teenagers between the ages of 13 and19.  I will say this for the rest my life, that there’s nothing harder than being a parent.  Every day you question your decisions, you wonder if your discipline is enough or too much, you try and hug more and scold less.  You feel pride and prejudice almost every day. I mention prejudice because your children are like your cubs and you are biased by their actions and choices because of how much you love them.  I have sworn over the years never to badmouth my children in public, ie this blog or Facebook.  It’s been very important to me that they never look back and see that their mom wrote negatively of them. That’s not to say I haven’t gone through major struggles and continue to struggle every single day.  You just won’t hear the details of those moments if it involves talking negatively about my child. Instead I’ve tried to praise them from time to time in order that on rough days if they feel like it, they can look back and remember no matter what they are facing or no matter who they feel is against them, they always know I have their back. They have my unconditional love from now until forever.  I’m not trying to paint a perfect picture, and I’m not trying to deny my frustrations or the tears I have shed over the years.  I’m just hoping that more than anything else I do for my children, I’m hoping to cheer for them and Today was a perfect example of that and inspired me to come back to my blog. Last year about this time Sage was diagnosed with a stress Fracture in her hip. She had to quit track and begin intensive physical therapy. I honestly don’t think either of us thought she would participate in high school sports again. In eighth grade she played football, then basketball, then soccer and then track.  The doctor thought it was possible that it was just too much for her. However, I will state for the record that all of this was Sage’s choice. She is very determined and drives the bus on extracurricular activities and school.   She puts enough pressure on herself that I try hard not to add to it.  But somewhere along the line Sage decided she wasn’t done.  She informed us earlier this winter that she was going to go to football workouts. She isn’t sure yet if she’ll play in the fall, but she wanted to continue her conditioning that she had done in physical therapy. Then during workouts she decided she would like to try and run track again. I was really nervous about her physical state and would often ask her how she was feeling.  She assured me she was okay and put her heart behind her healing in order to get back on the track and Today I watched my daughter run again.  She finished first in her heat in the 100 and despite a block malfunction, she finished with the pack in her heat in the 200.  This is where my bias comes in. I know my daughters journey and it wouldn’t have mattered if she came in dead last, she finished first in my mind. I’ve known her struggles through life and how her mind and heart battle every day to survive and I truly felt that my heart was going to burst with pride today.  Parenting is hard, but having my children is a privilege and today and everyday I thank a God for the opportunity to have them, love them and watch them fly.  I love you all so much, to the moon and stars and back.

Lego Boy

It's often a joke among parents that Legos are our nemesis.  Their pointy little edges feel like knives when you step on them, and they seem to multiply and strategically place themselves in the most precarious of places, especially in the middle of night when you least expect it.  

All of this went through my mind tonight when I literally ran into a pile of them while hurrying to gather my six year old's animals for bedtime.  However, I didn't curse them this time, instead I actually felt sad.  I suddenly realized someday these will be gone, no longer scattered about because in his mind he'll be too old for them and he'll be on to other things.  

So tonight I'll cherish that he loves his animals surrounding him in bed, lullabies and goodnight kisses. I won't mind finding a little person who's crawled in bed beside me in the middle of the night because he's had a bad dream, blanket and pillow forts in the hallway, or foam nerf bullets in my laundry.  Instead tonight I'll rejoice in Legos, match box cars and all the other things that represent my sweet little Max.  I'm very content to let them be, simply because I know they belong to a sweet little boy who won't be little for long... 

My Sam

Today's my Sam's Sweet 16 birthday and I just wanted to shine the light on him for a moment.  Someone once said, having children isn't a right, it's a privilege.  This is so true.  They are a gift and it is our job to do our best to love them and cherish them like one.  They are the purest example of unconditional love.  My Sam is all of this. 

So, on his special day, I would like to share a few stories about him in order to exemplify his kind heart...

The first took place in the summer of 2014.  It was the morning when we were all leaving to go home. Sam was going to Indiana and I was going back to Washington.  We'd been together almost non stop for a month and my heart was so sad that it was time to leave.  I got up early to go for one last swim and Sam who was asleep in my room woke up and said he would come too.  So as the sun came up I swam out to the middle of the lake with my sweet Sam in the kayak next to me.  We talked and just shared a peaceful moment together.  Most teenagers would have chosen sleep over an early wake up call... But not my Sam.  

Fast forward to just this past January and again it was our last day together.  I suggested one last hike the next day before we had to all had to say goodbye and fly home.  Several of the kids said they'd go, but when morning came and it was cold and frozen outside, they all backed out... Except for my Sam.  There he was dressed and ready to go with my mom and I.  It was freezing out and we slipped, slid and actually even a fell a few times throughout our hike that morning, but it was still priceless because we were together.  

Sam, I hope you know that today and everyday I thank my lucky stars that God gave me you.  You're amazing and I love you more than all the stars and moons in the sky... Until I can hug you in person, I'm hugging you with my heart.  Happy Birthday. Love, Mom

Power of Music

I've always had either songs or music as part of my little ones bedtime.  I believe in the power they have in helping to calm the spirit.  One of my favorite examples is how I listened to Andrea Bocelli when I was pregnant with Saxton and after she was born, his music would stop her from crying.  Now it's one of Max's favorites. 

I thought about this at clinical on Tuesday when one of the residents was riding up and down in his scooter listening to Reba.  Everyone really enjoyed it.

So Later, when I was talking to one of my patient's wife, I asked her what type of music her husband liked, as he was a stroke victim and couldn't verbalize well.  She said he liked classical, so I decided to play Max's bedtime playlist him and It was amazing how he responded. You could tell he loved it.  When Andrea Bocelli's Time To Say Goodbye started playing, it looked like he was mouthing the words.  His wife and a guest who was also visiting couldn't believe it.  It was like an awakening.

Later, during his trach care and suctioning, which aren't pleasant, I decided to play the playlist again and he seemed to tolerate the treatment better.   It's inspired me to try and bring more music into the healthcare setting and when possible, play it when I can for my patients.  After all, you never if it might be the magic tool that will help awaken the soul. 

 

Tough Going Today

It actually started a few days ago, that aching feeling when it's getting close to Savannah and Sam leaving.  My heart gets heavy and a knot settles in the back of my throat.  I try not to cry, but eventually mind over matter doesn't work anymore.  The hours feel like they're minutes and before I know it, it's time to say goodbye.  This morning Sam, my mom and I took one last hike.  As we turned to head back home, the emptiness settled in.  

Unfortunately circumstances today made the goodbye even harder and as I stood at the edge of the security line keeping me from two of my loves, the all too familiar heart wrenching feeling settled in.   The rest of the day I sort of felt numb, but as I landed tonight and the reality set in about the distance between us, I lost it all over again.  I just want my babies back.

Life sometimes becomes so hectic and our concerns become distorted by meaningless stresses. But for a few days and especially during particularly sweet moments, life made sense and my heart felt complete.  For now it's those memories I treasure and cling to as the rest of my world feels torn apart.  

I love you Savannah and Sam to the moon and stars and back.  

I miss you so much it hurts.

I wish you were here. 

Eve of Motherhood

Seventeen years ago today I was still pregnant with my firstborn and I went to bed not knowing it was my eve of motherhood.  I remember waking up in the early morning hours and realizing my water had broken.  Thinking I had hours until she made her appearance, I showered and we took our time leaving for the hospital from our apartment in the suburbs of Chicago.  However, now knowing Savannah, I should have known better.  Labor came on quickly and between the 45 miles between home and the hospital, we were pulled over twice.  After speeding through toll booths without paying and breaking 100 mph on 294, we made it to the hospital just 50 minutes before Savannah made her way into the world.  There was no time for pain meds and the delivery was an intense blur.  But then, just as the sun was coming up, she was placed in my arms and time stood still.  I'll never forget holding her and falling head over heals in an instant.  I couldn't believe she was mine. 

Now this little sprite is all grown up and I am so very proud of the young woman she has become.  

She is amazing, beautiful and so full of sunshine.

Happy birthday sweet girl...  I love you to the moon and stars... and back.